HOW YOUR EGO RUINS YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Relationship is not about having a handsome boyfriend or having a pretty girlfriend... it’s not about trying to make things perfect because there are no perfect relationships, even God after creating things never said they were perfect, He said they were good.  

But you can make your relationship “good” by finding someone who matches you, someone who will accept the worst of you and will go through everything without giving up on you...

Do you ever wonder why some relationships fall apart? I’m going to discuss here some relationship turn offs that separate lovers from each other unless it’s fixed soon...

Relationship don’t always fall apart because lovers cheat on each other or argue until one of them opts out, the truth is, relationship always fall apart because of disappointments and resentment. 

Ego has a role to vitiate many relationships not only with people who are dating but can also ruin friendships and put a gap between family members..

Everyone has ego. We all are born with it. It operates based on the reality principle, which strives to satisfy our needs in realistic and socially appropriate ways. And if these needs are not satisfied immediately, the result is a state of anxiety or tension which is a factor that affects our relationship

According to Sigmund Freud’s Psychoanalytic theory of personality, personality is composed of three elements.

(1)    Id

(2)    Ego

(3)    Superego

These three elements work together to create complex human behaviours. I’m going to explain these three elements so that you can understand... 

The Id: sends a signal that you are hungry, The Ego: tells you to eat, while the Superego: tells you the ideal way, where and when to eat... 

When you have a misunderstanding with your lover, the Id tells you something is wrong, the Ego tells you to react (he/she is wrong, you are right, you are not a fool)..... While the Superego satisfies

the Ego impulses through a process of delayed gratification.  It will eventually allow the behaviour, but only in the appropriate time and place, but in cases where your ego overrides your Superego it leads to arrogance and pride.

If lover understands the way they live in a relationship, it will ultimately lead to blossoming of the relationship to the next level.

ARGUMENT

Nothing is gained in an argument; it only adds fuel to the fire and creates more distance between two loved ones.  John Gottman, a psychologist discovered that the way a couple argue is a big predictor of whether they’ll breakup. If their tiff contains criticism then the relationship is heading towards meltdown.

 When you criticize, you over-generalize negatively about your partner’s identity... this is one useful idea i got from one of my uncles, whenever argument erupts between himself and his wife, all he choose to do is remain calm and be silent on the issue, I asked why he reacts that way and his response was that he value his relationship more than his ego.

Apologizing, being calm, or being silent does not always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right.  It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

Try all you can to use your ears and not your mouth (be a good listener), don’t see every argument as a game therefore cultivate the habit to skip the ‘’E’’ and let ‘’go’’

JEALOUS THOUGHTS

Jealousy and Ego isn’t necessarily a bad thing, its human nature but can be very destructive if you allow yourself to be obsessed by the thoughts running through your mind. If your partner is out with his/her friend, you can convince yourself that he/she is cheating on you. Of course, an argument will ensue and your partner will be frustrated about the accusations.

 If the pattern repeats itself, he/she will become resentful and eventually want out of the relationship all because of a fictitious story that you allow your ego to create in your head.

UNWILLINGNESS TO CHANGE

Many individuals with unhealthy ego feel that they have no need to change any aspect of their life. This unwillingness to change, to accommodate or hear others can prove problematic...

Let’s say your partner is frustrated with you in one way or the other and really needs to express something about that to you. How do you respond? Some change (listening and burying your ego) and willingness is almost always necessary when crafting a mutually respectful relationship.

LEARN TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

If you want to really have a good relationship then you need to be able to take your ego out of the scene. You need to be open to learn things about your partner every single day. We need to learn our partners’ communication style, attitude to things because your style will definitely be different.

Couple who are always squabbling...

Mike has been married for 5 years or more, and he and his good wife Emily are almost always squabbling. He’s either insulting her or she’s insulting him in private or public. 

Along the line, a medical nature was bothering Mike, so off he went to his doctor for a check-up. He wasn’t expecting anything particularly dramatic, but from what he heard from the physician that day, he had only ninety minutes to live.

He went straight to his place of work and ask his colleagues the best way to spend his last ninety minutes and they told him the best way is to spend that time with his family, have sex with his wife... their response seems pleasing to him, so he went straight to get his wife a flower with nice fragrance and then to his house...

He tried to have sex with his wife in his own way but his wife wasn’t pleased with him and disagree, so he left the house both insulting each other. 

Surprisingly, ninety minutes passed by and Mike was still alive. His wife was called from the hospital. She was told the state of her husband’s health as well as the stipulated length of time he had left and how he had to follow the treatment program to the letter, and get plenty of rest to maximize his chances of living.

Emily’s single-minded concern for her husband health and comfort was complete. And if a pain-wracked Mike did allow an occasional hurtful remark to pass his lips, she found it pretty easy to ignore it.

Ironically, this was in some ways the happiest period of their marriage. A blissful feeling of intimacy, such as neither partner had never dreamed possible. Emily’s obsession with Mike’s welfare left her with no time for extraneous thoughts, and Mike’s appreciation and admiration grew stronger day by day.

After eight days of living peacefully together, Mike died... so painful

Who could have taught a medical issue can bring Mike and Emily so close to the point that both of them had to let go of their ego to enjoy their relationship. They definitely would wish they had more time to spend together.

Relationships are meant to be the most beautiful part of human life, but unfortunately, it turns out to be the complicated one if the word EGO sets in. And to enjoy the beauty of your relationship you have to deal with your ego.

Here are a few tips on how to solve ego issues in a relationship.

Always compliment your partner

It’s okay to be a good critic when dealing with friends or co-workers. But with your partner, you have to learn to think and speak, as one bad comment can spoil the relationship. At work you are the boss but in your relationship, no one is the boss. So learn to appreciate and compliment your partner every now and then. This will create a healthy relationship and will keep your ego at bay.

Understand Each Other’s Weakness

Respecting difference of opinion can help to avoid ego clash.  Everybody has some weak points and that becomes part of their personality. You need to understand that and love your partner for the person he or she is. Doing this can help to avoid ego problems in your relationship.

Stop praising yourself

Always praising yourself in front of others doesn’t really help to impress them. It feeds your ego and makes you overconfident. This can ultimately result in ego clashes in relationship. If you have the habit of telling others about your achievements or success every time, then you can get trapped with ego problems easily. It shouldn’t be always about ‘’you’’ but ‘’us’’.

Practice Tolerance.

In order to let go of your ego, you have to consciously practice tolerance. This doesn’t mean that you set aside your sense of self-worth. It’s all about creating a mindset that people may be different from you and have different ways of expressing themselves and finding a way to live with them.

Controlling your ego is the best thing you can do for yourself. If you can’t put your ego aside and let it go, you will continue to have unhappy and unsuccessful relationship. Always learn and try to let go and cherish your relationship.

---- stay healthy.

What do you think about this article? Is it professional, boring, dry.....?