If you exist as a mere animal in a country as dysfunctional as Nigeria, life must not be that much fun.
You're hunted like an...animal, spat on, kicked and prodded, and even kept as pet by people who think you desire to be their best friends.
When you really think about it, it's not an enviable life.
To counteract this, animals in Nigeria appear to be staging a revolution against the status quo. They have engaged in acts that could be considered felonies, and even terrorism, if they were committed by actual human beings.
While we tend to laugh our heads off when animals make headlines for what we believe to be absurd reasons, an animal source has confirmed that it is merely the very first shots in a revolution to get animals recognition as Nigerians covered by the rights in the constitution.
Here are the few times animals have begged for our attention and got laughed off:
1. Snake steals N36 million cash from JAMB
This one is still fresh in our memories because it happened only days ago, but it is such a game-changer in the fight for animal recognition.
Whoever's heard of a snake that steals?
When a team of auditors tried to audit the accounts of the Benue State branch of the Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board (JAMB), a sales clerk, Philomina Chieshe could not account for N36 million she had made for the agency from the sale of scratch cards.
When she was probed, Chieshe reportedly confessed that it was her housemaid that colluded with another JAMB staff, Joan Asen, to "spiritually" steal the money from the vault in the accounts office with the help of a snake.
She said, "It was a mystery to me too. I have been saving the money in the bank, but I found it difficult to account for it.
"So I started saving it in a vault in the office. But each time I open the vault, I will find nothing. I became worried and surprised how the millions of Naira could be disappearing from the vault.
"I began to interrogate everybody in the house and office, and no one could agree on what might have happened to the money. I continued to press until my housemaid confessed.
"She said that the money disappeared spiritually. She said that a mysterious snake sneaked into the house and swallowed the money in the vault."
While many Nigerians have reacted to the story in what is best described as complete disbelief, the animals are most probably in a jubilant mood currently for a heist well done and recognition for it.
But what could a snake need N36 million for? Does this open the floodgates for a trend of animal-related heists? What does it all mean?
Is the militant faction of the animal revolution squirrelling money away to fund a future insurgency if peace talks fail? Time will tell.
2. Rodents stage Aso Rock protests
In an unprecedented feat that will most likely never be replicated by mere humans, a group of animals, classified as rodents, staged what was not a peaceful protest inside the office of President Muhammadu Buhari and prevented him from working from there for a couple of months.
After the president took a long medical vacation in London where he spent 103 days treating an undisclosed illness, these so-called rodents exploited the chaos in government and took over the president's office to press their demands.
The rodents did such a good job that when the president returned to resume his executive duties, he was forced to use his residential office because of the damage done by the aggressors.
His spokesperson, Garba Shehu, reported, "Following the three months period of disuse, Rodents have caused a lot of damage to the furniture and the air conditioning units."
Since this is an act that could be classified as terrorism, the rodents were aggressively dealt with through cosmetic 'renovation', and the president was able to resume working from his official office after only 11 weeks in exile.
3. Hyenas and jackals stage unsuccessful coup
While President Buhari was away in London, it wasn't just rats who made a stink in his absence. According to well-placed sources in the presidency, a group of disgruntled hyenas and jackals also tried to stage a coup and take over his government.
While no one could get comments from the actual animals involved in the conspiracy, third-party reports from First Lady, Aisha Buhari and Kaduna lawmaker, Senator Shehu Sani told the whole story.
While idling away on his Facebook account in June 2017, Senator Shehu posted a story about how these animals tried to take over the executive.
He wrote, "Prayer for the absent Lion King has waned; Until he's back then they will fall over each other to be on the front row of the palace temple. Now the hyenas and the jackals are scheming and talking to each other in whispers; still doubting whether the Lion King will be back or not.
"Now the Lion king is asleep and no other dare to confirm if he will wake up or not. It's the wish of the Hyenas that the Lion King never wakes or come back so that they can be kings. Its the Prayers of the weaker animals that the Lion King comes back to save the Kingdom from the Hyenas, the wolves and other predators."
In an unprompted response, the First Lady assured him that the coup has failed due to the prayer of some weaker animals who were content with the status quo where animals are treated like, well, animals.
She wrote, "God has answered the prayers of the weaker Animals, The Hyena's and the Jackals will soon be sent out of the kingdom. We strongly believe in the prayers and support of the weaker animals. Long live the weaker animals, Long live Nigeria."
Who's the Lion King? Who are the weaker animals? One wonders.
This animal conspiracy goes deeper than it might appear.
What do these animals want? Better governance? Representation in the parliament? Their own Permanent Voter's Card (PVC) to get the chance to vote like everyone else?
Whatever it is, Nigerians should put pressure on the Federal Government to sit down and dialogue with this aggrieved party.
An animal insurgency is the last thing the country needs right now.
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