10 Dumb Things to Avoid Doing With Your Smartphone

My friend Josh once had a not-so-smart phone that allowed him to record phrases to activate his various speed-dial numbers. So how could he not, you know, pick certain cool things to say? When Josh wanted to call home, he would whip out the phone and say "Kirk to Enterprise," which was fun, until he did it at a rest stop on I-95 in front of a group of teenagers, who made it clear to Josh that he was the biggest douche in the Gamma Quadrant.

For calls to his parents, Josh had recorded the phrase "Fucking lunatics!" What could go wrong? Then Josh's wife borrowed his phone, and soon after found herself in a crowded store needing to call the in-laws and trying to quietly say "Fucking lunatics!" in Josh's voice.

When they call it a smartphone, they're talking about the phone, not the owner.

Now that we have Apple's Siri to serve (or rule) us, you can program her to address you as Master Jaime Lannister, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Just don't, okay?

Gentlemen, I give you 10 Other Dumb Things Men Do with Smartphones. Read them. Ponder them. And then—this is the crucial element, without which everything we have shared together is in vain—don't do them.

Dropping $400 Worth of Smartphone Into the Toilet

A survey suggests that one in five smartphone users have dropped the precious into the Yellow (or even chunky) river. The numbers were not, as they say, "broken down by sex." (Who isn't?) But we know who's doing the dropping: the "people" who pee, standing, while talking to Mom. Do not multitask while holding your joystick.

Sending Pictures of Your Junk

Has this ever worked? If it hasn't worked for legendary NFL quarterbacks, for whom could it possibly work? And if it did work, isn't it axiomatic that the woman for whom this is an icebreaker is nuts, and would end up killing you with hand-sharpened chopsticks in a darkened hallway?

Cheating at Foursquare

So rampant was the practice of "checking in" at cool places while one was in fact sitting home on one's couch that Foursquare began tracking GPS signals from phones.

Being a Douche with your Phone

(AKA: Continuous Partial Attention Disorder). If you're out on a date, don't update your fantasy football lineup. If you're attending a funeral, don't play FarmVille. If you're at the movies, don't tweet. Some theaters are setting up special sessions for people who must tweet. This is the death knell of civilization.

The Geico Syndrome

Have you seen the TV ad with the guys fake-pouring champagne and holding bro-stache apps up to their mouths? A general rule of thumb: Something that would look foolish done with pre-2000 technology will not look less foolish just because it has become an app. That goes for the "fart" app, too. Double.

Typing in Stupid Abbreviations like EOM

Or, for that matter, LOL. You're too old to write "LOL," no matter how old you are. You should be able to acknowledge that something is funny using, you know, words or implicit understanding. Or you could share your jokes in person, and laugh appropriately if a punch line happens.

Texting that Which Should be Spoken

If you are Boo Radley, you can ask a woman out or break up with her using text. If you possess the power of speech, not so much. (This applies to condolences as well.) Actually, how does Boo Radley break up with women? He probably just stops leaving toys in their trees.

Mafia Wars

You want to be Tony Soprano? Would Tony play some stupid phone game for 2 hours a day instead of doing all the things that make you wish you were him? Bobby Bacala, maybe. Related problem: Watching p*rn and forgetting to clear the cache. She borrows your phone and "Hot Buttered Sheep" comes up in an unclosed window. Baaa-d!

Secretly Recording the Making of Sexy-Time

You position the phone in a coffee mug, and then do a Licensed Vocational Nurse right there on the kitchen table. There are several possible outcomes. (a) You go to hell. (b) You go to court. (c) You go to the ER, with the phone jammed into some part of you that nurses know more about than you do.

Adding to Your Permanent Record

Someday you may be up for a job that requires an extensive background check or Senate confirmation, as opposed to your current gig at the Putt-Putt Fun Center in Mishawaka. Imagine that you're present at such a hearing, and recall what you've made a record of. Then ask Siri to beam you out of there.