No, I am not fat yet. But I recently noticed a sprout of abdominal fat and I have every cause to worry my body may one day blow out of proportion. . . If I don't make money and move out of my house ASAP.
This is probably due to the fact that I spend a lot of time lazing at home, I mistake boredom for hunger and of course, there is my super caring mother. A typical Nigerian mother that never thinks her kids are fat enough.
Please, allow me to narrate my futile attempts to stay fit.
1. You are never fat enough for a typical Nigerian mother
My mum has made it a point of duty to keep tabs on my weight even though I maintain a fairly constant weight all year long. Whenever I'm out of her sight for a few days, the first thing she says when we reunite is "Were you sick or didn't you feed properly where you went?". The next thing she does is overdose me with akpu with egusi soup.
2. You are never fat enough for your neighbours
Do I need to mention other mothers in my neighbourhood that make it their responsibility to keep reminding me, "Naijasinglegirl you are not adding oh. What's wrong?" "You would have been finer than this but you've refused to add."
Technically, weight gain is a compliment in some parts of Nigeria. Its no surprise "Good morning, you are adding weight oh." has become a style of greeting in some places.
3 No money for gym
I can't imagine spending my money on gym and gym equipment in this my unemployed state. Nope. Not yet.
4. Routine diet
My mom is the principal chef of the house and her meals are stereotype. Morning- bread. Afternoon -Eba, Evening- rice. How am I supposed to stay fit when I am carbohydrate number one ambassador? Whenever I attempt to prepare calcium and iron like plantain and strong pomo, an angry mom is at the kitchen door, warning me not to exhaust her gas.
5. No place for home exercise.
We live in the second floor of a 2 storey apartment. Last week, I attempted running up and down the staircase as a form of exercise. I barely went one lap when our landlady came knocking at the door to reprimand whoever was disturbing her quiet.
6. No defined mealtime
In a typical Nigerian house like mine, there is nothing like breakfast, lunch or dinner time. Your breakfast may be ready at 11am, lunch at 7:30pm and dinner at 1am. When I complain to my mother, she usually says "My friend go and sit down. Is it your money or food?" I'm pretty sure you all know the consequences for eating heaving meals at odd hours.
7. Fruits are so frigging expensive
One can't ignore the benefits of fruits and veggies when going on a healthy diet. In Lagos supermarkets, most of my favourite fruits like apples, red grapes, lemons and bananas are overpriced.
The only ones that came cheap for me are cucumbers, garden eggs, oranges and agbalumo. When I got tired with chewing tasteless cucumbers, bitter garden eggs and sour agbalumo, no one told me to give up and return to my mother's good old fufu & egusi soup.
8. No place to jog
I made a new month resolution to jog around my street but fail to keep to my word each time.
Reasons being,
- Mama Ronke and co don't fail to make a jest of me when they see me jog pass their house in the day. The first and only time I tried it, Mama Ronke asked "You wan disappear ni?"
- When it gets dark, my overprotective dad never fails to remind me of criminals lurking around the corner to snatch my phone or inflict some other body harm on innocent passersby like me.
- There are 4 vicious, untrained, no-nonsense dogs in my estate, they might mistake my running around for a criminal behaviour. Need I spell out the consequences for me?
9. Appetisers, appetisers, appetisers
This is a spin off from No.1. In a typical Nigerian house, there is always the need for the mother of the house to force her kids to swallow appetiser tablets or one of those blood tonic capsules to encourage you to eat and sleep indiscriminately which inadvertently results in a big belle.
10. No Motivation
Our family friend is currently residing with us. Frequent trips to the labour room left her with two tipper tyres on her tummy. I told her to partner with me so both of us can work on staying fit but her attempts cracks me up. Every evening, she does only ten rounds of lazy situps and gulps down two bottles of beer immediately to re-energise her. How refreshing!
This is probably due to the fact that I spend a lot of time lazing at home, I mistake boredom for hunger and of course, there is my super caring mother. A typical Nigerian mother that never thinks her kids are fat enough.
Please, allow me to narrate my futile attempts to stay fit.
1. You are never fat enough for a typical Nigerian mother
My mum has made it a point of duty to keep tabs on my weight even though I maintain a fairly constant weight all year long. Whenever I'm out of her sight for a few days, the first thing she says when we reunite is "Were you sick or didn't you feed properly where you went?". The next thing she does is overdose me with akpu with egusi soup.
2. You are never fat enough for your neighbours
Do I need to mention other mothers in my neighbourhood that make it their responsibility to keep reminding me, "Naijasinglegirl you are not adding oh. What's wrong?" "You would have been finer than this but you've refused to add."
Technically, weight gain is a compliment in some parts of Nigeria. Its no surprise "Good morning, you are adding weight oh." has become a style of greeting in some places.
3 No money for gym
I can't imagine spending my money on gym and gym equipment in this my unemployed state. Nope. Not yet.
4. Routine diet
My mom is the principal chef of the house and her meals are stereotype. Morning- bread. Afternoon -Eba, Evening- rice. How am I supposed to stay fit when I am carbohydrate number one ambassador? Whenever I attempt to prepare calcium and iron like plantain and strong pomo, an angry mom is at the kitchen door, warning me not to exhaust her gas.
5. No place for home exercise.
We live in the second floor of a 2 storey apartment. Last week, I attempted running up and down the staircase as a form of exercise. I barely went one lap when our landlady came knocking at the door to reprimand whoever was disturbing her quiet.
6. No defined mealtime
In a typical Nigerian house like mine, there is nothing like breakfast, lunch or dinner time. Your breakfast may be ready at 11am, lunch at 7:30pm and dinner at 1am. When I complain to my mother, she usually says "My friend go and sit down. Is it your money or food?" I'm pretty sure you all know the consequences for eating heaving meals at odd hours.
7. Fruits are so frigging expensive
One can't ignore the benefits of fruits and veggies when going on a healthy diet. In Lagos supermarkets, most of my favourite fruits like apples, red grapes, lemons and bananas are overpriced.
The only ones that came cheap for me are cucumbers, garden eggs, oranges and agbalumo. When I got tired with chewing tasteless cucumbers, bitter garden eggs and sour agbalumo, no one told me to give up and return to my mother's good old fufu & egusi soup.
8. No place to jog
I made a new month resolution to jog around my street but fail to keep to my word each time.
Reasons being,
- Mama Ronke and co don't fail to make a jest of me when they see me jog pass their house in the day. The first and only time I tried it, Mama Ronke asked "You wan disappear ni?"
- When it gets dark, my overprotective dad never fails to remind me of criminals lurking around the corner to snatch my phone or inflict some other body harm on innocent passersby like me.
- There are 4 vicious, untrained, no-nonsense dogs in my estate, they might mistake my running around for a criminal behaviour. Need I spell out the consequences for me?
9. Appetisers, appetisers, appetisers
This is a spin off from No.1. In a typical Nigerian house, there is always the need for the mother of the house to force her kids to swallow appetiser tablets or one of those blood tonic capsules to encourage you to eat and sleep indiscriminately which inadvertently results in a big belle.
10. No Motivation
Our family friend is currently residing with us. Frequent trips to the labour room left her with two tipper tyres on her tummy. I told her to partner with me so both of us can work on staying fit but her attempts cracks me up. Every evening, she does only ten rounds of lazy situps and gulps down two bottles of beer immediately to re-energise her. How refreshing!
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