Men Don't Like Themselves

A regular commenter on Hugo Schwyzer's blog, SamSeaborn, made a couple of comments both as a subject of a post as well as some follow-up comments that I found really thought-provoking. (Enough to make him a subject of one of my own posts! Hurray? Congrats? I have no idea.)

Sam writes,

"I’d say the problem is - I think I’ve said this before - that men don’t like themselves very much, and a certain structural incompatibiliy of heterosexual attraction and desire, women not desiring men sexually to the extent men are desiring women, making women the scarce sexual resourse, making men sexually invisible. Men can’t seem to believe (to trust) that they will be wanted, so they fight for a structure in which they are needed."

This is a really interesting statement, and watching/listening to a lot of the men in my life... This really strikes a chord for me.

I think in a lot of cases, a lot of women wind themselves up in all kinds of neurotic ways to dislike themselves too, but the nature of standard female-female relationships is that women will encourage each other about how great they are (see the standard issue post-break-up conversation amongst a gaggle of females for proof of this.) It's not perfect, certainly, but while women also tear each other down in very vicious ways, they are given much more social permission to complement each other, touch and and give comfort without the threat of transgressing gender roles and being accused of homosexuality. (Why this works as a deterrent is a problem for another train of thought.) I'm not saying that all women behave like this, or want to. But then again, neither do all women dislike themselves and their bodies, nor do all women have profoundly supportive networks of friends and family. 

This is generally not the trend for men who want to be seen as conventionally masculine and heterosexual. I think this kind of insecurity about being wanted, is also clear in the way a lot of otherwise really good men I know, really can't touch base with how being cat-called and whistled at on the street is frustrating and objectifying instead of flattering. They generally don't do it, because we say that it's upsetting, but I've lost count of the number of times I've heard/read of men saying, "If some woman whistled at me walking down the street, I'd be thrilled."

But the need for male comfort and support seems pretty apparent to me. Which is why, although I have particular "ick" moments over the overuse of the term "bro," I really, really dig the "bromance" trend/concept, for what little popularity it has. (Now if only it could avoid using objectifying women as sex objects to prop it up...) I've mentioned before that I think men are often taught to seek out all of their needs for comfort and support through their (female) romantic partners, which has a variety of negative consequences.

One, it kind of puts an un-do responsibility on women to be the be-all-end-all "temple in which to house" male vulnerability. Speaking as a woman who has had numerous relationships with very un-emotionally expressive men, this is just really exhausting. This whole, guessing game and being the person to put to words all the emotions that the other person can't say, constantly, and doing all the heavy emotional lifting is not only frustrating but it's emotionally draining. Also it teaches, or rather doesn't teach, men to learn how to be expressive, if they keep waiting around for an intimate relationship with a woman to do it. (Now I really can't speak to men's homosexual relationships, so I won't try other than to say I know there are varieties in both directions, both towards stereotypical masculine "anti-emotions" as well as stereotypically "touchy-feely.")


Secondly, it tends to leave men very emotionally adrift at the end of a break-up of a long-term relationship, and the process of building up a new intimate relationship in which to be vulnerable with the next woman is that much harder. I think this is has a strong influence on the trends that make men less likely to initiate divorce (because its much more terrifying to be alone when the only person you can be expressive with, is now your ex-spouse), are more likely to re-marry and quicker (in search of a new "home" for their need to be vulnerable and comforted), and take much longer to bounce-back emotionally to their fully vibrant selves. (If these trends seem to contradict each other, consider that there are a whoooole lot of people in romantic relationships that are still nursing the wounds from previous exes.) 

Speaking again from experience without hopefully generalizing too much, I remember my ex-husband expressing to me something along the lines of, "I hate you so much and part of it is because no matter how much I hate you nobody will know me as well as you do."

I think, in a sense, Sam is very right in saying that men don't trust their own worth, trust that they will be wanted, and this is a really sad state of affairs. I don't want to sound too terribly Marxist and say that capitalism encourages us to think of ourselves only in terms of our value as successful in the capitalist market (any other kind of success is moot), rather than our value as members of communities, but I think this is only exacerbated (rather than overtaken) by the fact that the worth of a man as "properly masculine" is still so very narrow. Men are not, in the general sense, most widely valued for their roles as fathers, as care-takers, as community builders-- as compassionate beings. Their valued for their roles as provider of stability, their achievements in tests of physical strength or mental acuity and measured by career, financial and property status. (As women increasingly push themselves to be "just as good as men," they also take on these pressures, but they encounter a different double-bind, that of being defined by how good of a mother they are even as they are reaching for business success.)

I also think even Jim in the comments of that particular post is right that early childhood experiences of forming gendered identity may be strongly influenced by unequal exposure to female versus male teachers. That young boys do not see men in society regularly performing care-giving roles (in a way that is normalized, as opposed to "that one kid down the street whose dad is a Nurse and isn't that weird?") strongly impresses upon them that that is not how proper adult males behave or become valued. Honestly I think even crappy but somewhat well-intentioned stuff like, "You don't hit girls" projects way more about the "toughness" that boys have to perform than adults intend.

If this might be the only post wherein I can find some sympathy for the "Men's Rights" argument (and I think there's a post budding somewhere in the back of my mind to elaborate more on my feelings about the MRA movement), it might be here:

• Yeah, boys should have the right to cry without being mocked. 
• Yeah, boys should have the right to sing, dance, be gentle and creative and fucking play with glitter and make-up as the process of experimenting with performance and image. 
• Yes, I think boys should be allowed to seek sympathy, comfort, encouragement, comfortable and reassuring touch. 
• They should be allowed to learn and be expressive and articulate, because it's hot but even if it wasn't that's what being a complete adult means, so they had better learn. 
• And they had also better be allowed to want to be smart and academically successful without being labeled as "sucking up" or "uncool," because boys you're being rapidly outpaced by the girls in grade school as well as at the college level. 
• It would be fucking awesome if men's bodies could be seen as potential lust or beauty objects-- and I don't mean the chiseled abs and rugged bulging muscles look of a select few athletes, pop stars and actors that populate teen girl magazines and bedrooms (I will be honest and say I never in my life as a teenager grasped the hubbub over these supposed "heart-throbs")-- but every day living and breathing men that actually exist, in the way that women's bodies are seen as having "inherent beauty" (regardless of the specific beauty standards.)

...And maybe, eventually, they can learn to bond over their own awesomeness instead of needing the excuse of ogling my breasts to do it.



Would you like to be part of this segment? OR DO YOU WANT TO DONATE TO SUPPORT,??

Please contact us via our email: blog-apps@hotmail.com   for procedures to follow.

 Thanks for stopping by! Your feedback keeps me going. Do follow on  Twitter: @oatzeal

ALWAYS CHECK BACK FOR NEW POST, WE WILL ALWAYS UPDATE SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY